day nine

we had to go grocery shopping for dillon's mom and ourselves tonight. it's so weird to be like, well i'm not touching my face and i'm staying away from people and i'm using hand sanitizer in the car and wiping down my groceries but i still might have caught it! we won't know until we know. dillon has started saying he has a dry cough and sore throat and "fatigue" but it hasn't been a noticeable change to me yet. especially the fatigue part, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

day eight

i'm feeling a little more unnerved today. my eyeballs are starting to hurt from looking at screens so much and i'm getting so bored. trump extended the national lockdown order until april 30th so i'm relieved that he is not going to try to let businesses open back up by easter. march is just inching by and april will be slow and quiet too. all i want to do is sleep and not have to think about doing anything. i am very much looking forward to the group chat with everyone later.

as for cooking, i'm going to make a lentil coconut curry. i'll make a big batch so that there is one less meal i'll have to think about for the next few days. i miss bread and butter so bad. i do really want to get groceries today. i want a big veggie sandwich. i want to splurge on whatever tasty vegan groceries i want! why not? my budget is already fucked and it depresses me when i look at it and try to keep it up.

i made some coconut curry without using a recipe today:

i had the intention of writing up a recipe for it but now i don't feel like it. i just got off a Houseparty with the fam in which we asked each other a bunch of trivia. it was the first video chat thing i've had since quarantine started and i had so much fun! i neeeeeeed to do one with mary asap.

day seven

i've been eating sugary blondies for breakfast. today was pretty 'meh'. cloudy and windy. sadie is bored but we did run through the field for a little bit. tara suggested we do a video chat pub quiz tomorrow so i guess it was fun coming up with some questions. i cooked a couple baked potatoes and beans and kale and that's about it. we watched the tiger king netflix doc before bed and we have to go grocery shopping for us and karen soon. maybe tomorrow.

don't forget

about the promise of golden hour. someday soon it will be back.

day six

this morning went a little differently finally because since dillon fell asleep early last night he woke up at four and tossed and turned until 8. he even took sadie out for her first walk! i read a few more than 30 pages and i'm on track to finishing the book a couple days early. dillon then napped for like three hours in the afternoon so i finished the second half of Saint Frances which was very sweet and i gave it four stars. i also baked some easy version of chocolate chip blondies and they're pretty good but i should have used twice the amount of chocolate chips. i took sadie for a half hour walk this afternoon and when dillon woke up we worked out for almost two hours. i let him put his weight bench in the bedroom which is ugly but we had enough room and i am glad i get to work out right here i guess. push day and i'm dead! roasted potato wedges and asparagus are in the oven:

journal prompt: books

what is the first book you bought for yourself? i can't remember if i bought The Care and Keeping of You with my own money or if i asked my mom to buy it for me. i do remember being in that bookstore in the mall and loving taking in all that "taboo" information. i loved all things American Girl. so if not, the first book i bought myself might have been Thirteen Reasons Why at the canton Borders. i loved going up there by myself. it was during high school when i was really trying to get "into" reading. i liked that book but i've definitely grown out of YA novels. some people can read them but not me.

day five

it's easy to lose track of the days if i'm not writing about them here every day. i'm not even sure i got everything right in yesterday's post.

it's 11am and so far i have kept with my unproductive morning routine. i am about to go throw in a load of laundry and then read the new welcome to hell world email i just got. i journaled about yesterday's texts with jess that are bothering me. i'm starting to get pissed about all her pseudoscience bullshit, but i'm also making sure i don't cause strife in our relationship. the pushback i get from her/nate just makes me upset and anxious so i've decided to just let it go. there isn't going to be any convincing going on on either side anyway. but, it is still bothering me nonetheless. bummer.

it's another cloudy day so all i can hope for is a cleaner apartment and lots of mentally stimulating activities. hopefully more than i've been pursuing in the last couple of days. i wanna keep up at it, since it's what i was wishing i had time for while i was still working. now i do. don't get too lazy!

last night i also read too many unnerving things about coronavirus so today it's a little more top-of-mind. trump is doing a terrible job at making sure this gets as least terrible as it can. the worst is still ahead and that's scaring me. i am so thankful that i don't have to be in public at all and that i don't really have extremely vulnerable people in my family anymore. i will say that i am more scared of getting it myself than i was previously. a tiny part of me thinks that my heart and lungs wouldn't actually be able to handle a virus like that on their own. so i'm trying even harder to stop touching my face and i'm washing my hands even more and for longer.

i am coming across some great stuff on the internet, however. it makes me feel a little less bad about spending so much time on it because it really does bring me joy. after i find something good, i think about what if i never came across this! how sad! for example i am learning that i would love to be able to write like these fine people. i also learned about the movie Saint Frances that i will be purchasing from the state theater to stream. i have a feeling i'm gonna be really happy to have learned about that one.

i ended up watching Portrait of a Lady on Fire and that was really good. i also made creamy avocado pasta for dinner but damnit i forgot to take a picture! dillon seems to be passing out early for some reason so i'm going to try to entertain myself into sleepy mode somehow.

day four

i'm actually writing this on day five, so i guess i'll post two today so i don't fall behind!

i've been starting my days like this:
- sadie wakes me up at 8am
- i slowly get up, take her for a potty walk
- come back in, feed her
- start the kettle and brush my teeth
- make my pour over
- drink coffee while reading (right now i'm hurrying to finish Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine before it gets returned to the digital library)
- maybe write a journal entry for the day and try to plan a few things to do, though this feels pointless
- play stupid design home game on my phone for half an hour
- get on my laptop and check emails/read articles/try to stay off reddit
- end up reading stuff on internet until about noon
- finally wash my face

i can't say i'm happy with that routine. i know i could be more productive or work on something meaningful. i "should" do an exercise routine instead of sitting around, learn a new skill, organize something, plan something big, make art, etc. etc. etc. there are a lot of things that would be a better use of my time, but part of me also keeps saying, "why bother? you could be stuck inside with no job for months! the whole world is on pause so why not you?" it's strange and unhelpful. i'm trying not to be too judgmental, since just a couple weeks ago i posted something about wishing time would stop for a little so i can catch up on stuff that i've been wanting to do instead of going to work for 8 hours of my day. ha! be careful what you wish for!

besides, i DO get exercise. i'm walking more than ever, getting fresh air, and when dillon works out i usually join him. it's just kind of sporadic right now. i usually don't feel like working out but i will vow to keep doing those back exercises that i found because my desire to be less bony and weak is stronger than my dislike of spending time lifting weights. plus, i can TELL my thighs/butt have increased slightly in size. i'm not sure i like that very much. now i have to do more squats :( i really think this is proof that my body is aging. i never thought it would happen to me!

yesterday.... what did i do? after sadie's first walk we went out again before noon on a longer stroll to the park and back. i ate leftover soup, i finished Uncut Gems by myself while dillon was still sleeping, played Cities: Skylines for a while, and instead of cooking i finally ordered takeout! i know local restaurants are facing hard times right now and i wanted to try the vegan restaurant in downtown ann arbor so i got some buffalo cauliflower, general tso's tofu fried rice, and a buffalo salad bowl. everything was very good and we couldn't even finish all of it. it was really nice to not have to clean up after dinner this time, though we still have a little pile of dishes left from the day before that still need to be washed. i didn't let it bother me like it usually does and that felt good.

day three

yesterday made me feel bad and useless. it was another gray day and i didn't do a whole lot and the day flew by. i did make a cinnamon apple loaf though! i've never been much of a baker, but i'm realizing how nice it is to have some tasty things around that last the whole week (usually). AND when i bake i usually do it to use up some fruit that i don't want to go to waste. looking forward to more baking experiments to come!

today was a lot better. we had sunny skies and it warmed up a bit. i finished a journaling 101 class online and learned a few new things i guess. i want more questions to ask myself and i think the class put me on the right track. i also took dillon and sadie back to the nature area that i discovered the other day and we had a two mile hike through the woods which was nice. by the end of it i was getting kind of tired of walking which is a good sign. it doesn't look like i'm going to work out. i'll try a plank or two though! i also made a quick chick-un noodle soup that turned out really good, and after that i basically just snacked on a plain salad and pretzels dipped in leftover cashew cheese. and oberons :)

i'm ending the day with a text-a-thon with the fam. apparently they all tried the video chat without me yesterday! dillon is playing computer games as usual so i'm going to hop in the shower and enjoy doing whatever i want.

shut-in: day two

all i want to do is constantly drink coffee, even though my *good* coffee hasn't arrived yet. i guess it's because there's a lot of sitting around going on which makes me sleepy, so i'm trying to proactively avoid the slump by consuming lots and lots of caffeine. so far, i haven't actually been over-consuming, but i'm not against it. thank goodness i caved and bought an electric grinder recently and no longer have to hand grind! otherwise there would be a lot less coffee drinking going on and that is sad. the only thing i also wish i had in times like these is just a straight-up coffee pot. i still think drip coffee is sad but it would be nice to just press a button and make a whole bunch at once. i feel like i'm wasting a lot of filters and this old coffee isn't even worth the pour-over, but that's all i've got. i REFUSE to use my french press. it's honestly time to get rid of that thing. i do not know what i was thinking when i bought it.

today sadie woke me up around 8 to go outside. it was hard to get up for some reason today even though i took a nap yesterday and after that (well, after our workout) dozed on and off on the couch for hours. we took a meandering walk around the apartments and i think we probably ended up walking about a mile. then i came inside to make coffee and read, but instead of reading (because my one book is not available on my kindle so I have to read it on my laptop??) i played the design home game that i'm embarrassingly obsessed with. now sadie is lying next to me on her nest of blankets snoring. she looks extremely cute. i think today i'll try to get dillon out for a nature walk, and mayyyyybe get to the grocery store for a few things. i also want to bake something - i was thinking an apple cinnamon loaf? we've got all these apples but we also have too many bananas but i already made banana bread recently and i want to try something different.

just now i asked dillon if i could have some of his pistachios and he said "pistachi-NO" so day 1 is going swimmingly.

shut-in: day one

hey! the day for me to join the ranks of those already quarantined inside their homes has come for me. it's 1:21 and i am home on my couch after working for four hours. the governor issued an executive order for non-essential businesses to close and i'm not sure when the expected day back could be. the second week of april at the earliest i think.

it hasn't really hit me yet that i'm not going back to work for weeks. all i know is that i was starting to get jealous of everyone who was already stuck at home. i'm sure i'll be eating those words by friday but i'm trying to look on the bright side: i have an emergency fund and i'm excited to have plenty of time to learn new things and make stuff. see what i'm all about, basically.

i also want to use this space to document the food i've been making and whatever else i consume while stuck at home. i want to be able to look back at this time and see how much life has changed for me and how well i adapt. i will try to avoid self-loathing and talking about scary virus stuff.

alright this is becoming a theme for 2020

i'm wondering if i would finally feel like a Grown Up once i become somebody's fiance/wife. maybe that's the reason i want it. would that come at the cost of losing my identity, though? how secure am i with my identity? how much do i even care??? why do i need to feel like a Grown Up and why can't i feel that way without a ring on my finger????

lethargy

i believe people everywhere are feeling it, too. i'm tired because i'm stuck and incapable of making decisions. because i put taking concrete steps off so long that now the coronavirus is giving me no choice but to wait even longer. it feels like we're all being punished. i am choosing to look at it this way: we can't keep the status quo. some people already knew that (bernie), but few people were listening. now we're being forced to. we are going to be shown what happens when free healthcare is unavailable, when wealth is distributed unevenly for so long that the people we've relied on to cook us food and take care of our kids are forced to stay home which equals no income, and when misinformation is spread by our conspirator in chief that delays adequate testing and safety measures for his monetary gain. MAYBE this will be the thing that wakes everyone up and forces them to realize that income inequality hurts EVERYONE. the american healthcare system hurts EVERYONE. capitalism hurts EVERYONE. as of today, things just got a lot more serious in this country and i'm starting to get pretty nervous. i can feel it in my body.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

it's feeling like time needs to stop right now, just for a couple weeks. i want to not have to be at work for 8 hours a day because i need to sort my closet and sell some clothes, cook an actual meal or two, prepare for maybe being quarantined due to the coronavirus making its way to michigan, bathe my dog and brush her teeth, take her to her annual vet appointment, deep clean the apartment, do some laundry, exercise, finish my book, edit pictures i took at sarah's baby shower and send them to her, actually turn this blog into something, journal more, make myself a calendar to keep myself accountable, help dillon find a job, plan our next travels and big move, consider getting rid of all our furniture, play computer games, make some art, see my friends, etc. etc. etc. 

dillon says i stress myself out and that i know i'm doing it, but he also is the one who puts something on netflix that i end up sitting next to him on the couch watching, wasting all the time i have to do all of the things above!